Running
by Alia Ziaen
Summary: No one forces anyone to go to the Dark Side. R&R, please. Complete.
1. 1

**Chapter 1: Running**

"No one forces anyone to go to the Dark Side. It is a choice you and you alone make. A fatal choice. People will tell you that there's nothing wrong with the Dark, that it won't hurt anyone, it'll just give you more power and more strength to help those in need, but eventually, the Dark will consume your mind, body and soul and you will think of helping no one other than yourself, and you will find yourself unable to extract yourself from the web you've fallen into. And no one will help you. You got yourself into the mess, you get yourself out. Expect no mercy. If you fall, you will have hurt more people than you realize, and it is in their nature that they will hold that against you. Do not fall, apprentice. Go to all lengths to keep from falling."

I have fallen. My master is dead. I killed him. I killed my friends. I killed the people who were like a family to me. I killed my Sith master. I am alone. I am feared. I have no reason left to live. The galaxy would be better off without me. As my master said, I cannot untangle myself from this web. Oh, what a large web it is. What a tangled web. What have I gotten myself into?

I'm running. I don't know what from, but I keep running. None are left who wish to do me harm, but it's as if the ghosts of those who might have wanted to do so are haunting me. What am I to do? I have to keep running.

I run to Tatooine. As far away from Coruscant as I can. There is a strong Force presence here, though. A Light Side presence. I keep running.

Soon I take up drinking. Another good service to the galaxy, no? A drunk Sith Lady who doesn't know what to do with herself.

I come across an old friend on Corellia. He doesn't recognize me. I run anyway.

What can I do with myself? I can't keep running. I don't even know what I'm running _from_. I have to free myself from this web. But how?

A voice in the back of my head whispers one possible answer to me. _Death._ No. I'm not that desperate, not that far from salvation. Am I?

_Go back. Go back to the Light._ Unacceptable. I am a Sith. I cannot stop being a Sith. Right?

_Ask for forgiveness._ How? The ones I need to ask forgiveness from are dead.

_Go back to Coruscant. You'll find them._ No! I can't go back there.

_Don't be afraid. Fear is-_ Of the Dark Side. _I_ am of the Dark Side.

_You don't have to be._ But I am.

_Look at the bright side of things._ It's been so long since I have… maybe I should.

_Yes, you should._

I'm going back to Coruscant. I'll stop running. I will escape this web if it's the last thing I do.


	2. 2

**A/N: **I really don't care much for this chapter, but it gets you semi-acquainted with Kaie's 'voice'. Enjoy.

**Chapter 2: Listen**

What am I doing here? Why am I listening to and obeying a voice in my head? Have I gone completely crazy?

_Maybe._

You're just like an annoying astro droid, did you know that?

_I've heard of droids with worse personalities than mine._

'Than mine?' Who are you?

_I am you._

So I'm talking to myself?

_From a certain point of view._

What does that mean?

_You are not using your mouth to speak. You are thinking, not talking._

Ah, I see. What do you mean when you say that I'll find forgiveness on Coruscant?

_So full of questions. You will have to find that out for yourself._

Not only am I talking to myself, the self I am talking to is evil.

_You said yourself you are of the Dark Side._

Yes. I am.

_But you shouldn't be._

Why not?

_Didn't you ever listen to what your Master told you?_

My Master betra-

_No, Kaie. Your Master did not betray you. You betrayed your Master._

Why?

_You don't know?_

Don't sound so incredulous.

_You _killed _him. You turned towards the Dark. You disobeyed him._

I stopped listening to what he told me a long time.

_Maybe it's time you started listening again._


	3. 3

**Chapter 3: Understanding**

Well, here I am on Coruscant again. I've stopped running. Stopped running _from_ my fears, actually. Now I'm running towards them. Flirting with danger, that's what I'm doing. I have no idea what I'm doing here.

_Listening to me._

Don't make me hurt you.

_You hurt me and you hurt yourself._

Kriff.

_Tsk tsk. Watch your language, Kaie._

Annoying stupid voice in my head. Do you have an off switch?

_Nope._

Kriff.

_What did I tell you about language?_

Absolutely nothing.

I haven't realized how much I've missed Coruscant. That's strange… the ghosts from my past are so prominent here, and I love it. Am I going soft? Or going right?

_Going right doesn't mean going soft._

You just refuse to make any sense.

_Really. Stop talking for a minute and just listen to me. Try to make sense from what I'm saying for yourself. If you go back to the Light, you can keep your edge. Just don't kill when it isn't necessary. That was the part you dreaded when you fell, remember? The killing. You had been raised a Jedi, that was all you knew. Your job was to keep people alive. Then you fell. Your edge became sharper than ever, but you'd still had it when you were… good._

Wait… you've been with me that long?

_Shh. There's nothing wrong with being good. There's everything wrong with being bad. That's what you were originally taught, if you'll let yourself remember the lessons._

Are you done?

_For the moment._

Okay. _You_ listen to _me_ now. Yes, I was originally taught that bad is bad and good is good. And yes, that does make perfect sense. But the Dark Side… there's something alluring about it. It pulls you and pushes you and eventually you just give up and join it. And it feels so good to have all that power coursing through your body, that Dark energy completely at your disposal.

_It's a web. One you were warned about._

Yes.

_You ignored the warning._

Yes.

_Why?_

Because… I was stubborn. I was in a rebellious stage when the 'bad is bad and good is good' mantra was pounded into my head, so I didn't fully absorb what it meant.

_Now we're getting somewhere._


	4. 4

**Chapter 4: Learning**

Oh Almighty Voice in my head, what wisdom do you have to impart upon me today?

_What is wisdom?_

Sithspawn, you're still there.

_Answer the question._

Talk about bossy… Wisdom is understanding the ways of the galaxy.

_And?_

And being able to comprehend and accept what is going on around you.

_You're starting to sound like me._

I thought I _was_ you.

_It's good to see you're learning._

Yeah, I suppose I am.

_Learning doesn't make you wise._

Huh?

_You heard me._

Yes, I heard you. I don't understand you…

_Knowledge does not make one wise. Just knowing something doesn't mean a thing. You have to understand it, understand what it means, what it meant, what it could mean, and be able to explain it._

When did you go from Voice-in-my-head to Teacher-in-my-head?

_You shall never know._

Astro droid annoying…

_And don't you forget it._


	5. 5

**Chapter 5: Nightmares**

"Kaie! This way!"

Oh no. Not again. Sweet Force, please not again.

I followed my master down an empty hallway, running as fast as I could. Running, running, always running. I took a quick glance over my shoulder and winced. Those Sith never gave up, did they?

"i_Kaie!_/i Hurry up!"

"I'm hurrying, I'm hurrying." Don't talk. Run. Keep running.

Wait… don't run. Wake up. I stopped, bending over slightly, breathing hard. A Jedi wasn't supposed to feel like this after just a little bit of running. What was wrong with me?

My master turned around, and beckoned to me. "Kaie, come on. We've got to get out of here."

I shook my head. "You go on. I'll hold them off."

"But-"

"No buts! Get out of here."

I knew he wouldn't. He never had. Every time I relived this, he never left me. I gasped as a stun bolt hit my shoulder. The pain only lasted a second before I started to go numb. This was not good. I saw Jeren Rak fall in front of me. I tried to turn, to fight off the Sith. But then I fell, too.

The next thing I knew, someone was shaking my shoulder frantically. Voices began to penetrate the thick fog encasing my mind.

"Is she alright?"

"How did they get her?"

"Is she the only one?"

"Give me that and hush."

"Wha- what's going on?" I asked, pushing myself up.

A strong yet gentle hand on my shoulder pushed me back down. "That's not the best idea at present. Stay down."

"Where am I?" I tried again.

Details started to come back to me: the mission… the Sith… that split second of pain. And…

"Master!"

My head hits the ceiling as I jump up and out of my bunk on my ship, which is currently docked in a little-known space port on Coruscant.

Yelping, I rub my head and collapse back onto the bunk. Sithin' nightmares. I wish they'd go away.

_Once you do what you have to do, they will._

Sighing, I go to the galley. Nightmares always make me hungry.

_Are you listening to me?_

I don't have much choice about what to eat. I'm not much of a cook.

_Kaie, you_ need _to listen to me._

No. I don't.

_Yes, you really do. I can help you._

Why didn't you help me when I fell?

_You weren't ready yet._

I roll my eyes and turn to my snack. This is another sleepless night I'll have to suffer through.

_Do you remember why you're here?_

In your words or mine?

_You're here because deep down, you know what you did was wrong and you want to go back to the way of the Jedi._

You're starting to sound like Jeren…

_Good. Someone needs to take his place in your life._

No one can do that. I have- _had_ only one master.

_And it wasn't the Sith._


	6. 6

**A/N: **

**skywalker05**- Do I get annoyed by reviews! Not one bit. I welcome any constructive criticism you have, and I live for feedback. I'm not sure what to do about chapter length, I've always written short chappys... so enjoy what I give you:P

**Chapter 6: Memories**

I'm really not in the mood for another enlightening conversation with my Voice, so I decide to head out and find a cantina to sit in. Hopefully, the noise will be enough to block out the Voice…

Just being back in the lower levels of Coruscant brings back memories I'd rather leave buried. Some are so painful, and others give me this warm, fuzzy feeling…

flashback

"_Are you sure we should be doing this?"_

"_Oh, don't be such a sissy, Kaie."_

"_I'm not! I just don't think we ought to be down this far…"_

"_Sissy, sissy, Kaie's a sissy!"_

"_I am not!"_

"_Are too."_

"_Ok, you two, cut it out. Let's hurry and get there before someone spots us."_

_The cantina was dimly lit, and it gave me a spooky feeling. Syra and Wil didn't seem to mind it. Maybe Wil was right… maybe I was a sissy._

"_What'll it be for you, Kaie?"_

_I snapped back to the present. "Oh… Ruby Bliel."_

_On his way to grab us a booth, Wil whispered, "Sissy."_

_I stuck my foot out and watched with hopefully innocent eyes as he crashed to the floor._

_I was surprised to see him doubled over when he managed to find his way to his feet again. Had he fallen that hard? Then I realized he was laughing._

"_You're good, Kaie."_

"_Not really," I grinned._

"_What did you think you were doing!"_

_I stared at the floor silently._

"_Answer me, apprentice."_

"_We were having fun, Master."_

"_Pah! Fun! A Jedi does not need fun, Kaie."_

_I raised my eyes to his defiantly. "Maybe not. But 16 year old girls do."_

_His green eyes, a shade darker than mine, blaze. "Kaie…" _

_I heard the warning in his voice. "Sorry, Master. I'll see myself to my room."_

/end flashback

I find myself in the same cantina I had been in those 6 years ago. Shoot. Just perfect. There're too many things here that might provoke memories.

_Is that a bad thing?_

Why won't you leave me alone!

_You don't want me to leave you alone. You're afraid of being left alone. And the truth is, you_ are _alone, because you are me, and I am you, and we are one._

Enough.

"What'll it be for you, miss?"

I jump. "Oh. Ruby Bliel, please."

I can almost hear Wil laughing at me. _Sissy._


	7. 7

**Chapter 7: Family**

I sit in the dark, cupping my drink in between my hands, watching. I am silent. I am a shadow. Or am I a ghost?

"_Wil, Kaie, hurry!"_

"_Do we have to?"_

"_Yes."_

"_Why?"_

"'_Cause I said so!"_

Syra. She was the oldest. The bossiest, too. But she could be gentle, and understanding, and she was a good listener. How could I have ever killed her?

"_Holy cow, Kaie, what happened to you!"_

"_What's it look like? I fell."_

"_And the boy you were fighting? Did he fall as hard as you, or harder?"_

"_That's none of your business."_

Wil was like an older brother. Annoying, always cracking jokes, always laughing. He always had a way to cheer me up. And he was always looking out for me, no matter how many times I told him I was a big girl and I didn't need anyone to watch my back.

They were the only family I knew, aside from Jeren. We did everything together. Got into trouble together, trained together, argued together. But my master wouldn't allow us to go on missions together. Maybe if they had been there with me when I fell, things wouldn't have turned out the way they did. Maybe they would have been able to keep me from falling.

That's all I can think about now. 'If this had happened, that wouldn't have happened.' Why haven't I decided yet if I'm good or bad? What am I, really? I was good to begin with. Was I ever really bad? I did kill my master. I killed my friends. I killed the Sith that trained me. Some would say killing innocent people makes me evil. But from a Jedi point of view, the Sith wasn't innocent. From a Sith point of view, the Jedi needed to die. What am I to believe now?


	8. 8

**Chapter 8: Familiarity**

"Ma'am?"

I jerk a little, coming out of some memory-induced stupor… or so I tell myself. I look up at the man before me. He's a few years older than me, with curly blond hair, dark brown eyes and a creamy complexion that reminds me of marble. Outwardly, he is flawless, and if I were any girl other than myself, I'd immediately start flirting shamelessly. But I'm me, and I'm sensible, and for some reason, I am wary of him.

"Ma'am, are you alright?"

He looks familiar… oh, Force. It can't be him. It just _can't_… I realize he's waiting for an answer. "I'm fine."

"D'you mind if I have a seat?"

Yes. "Not at all."

_Who is this guy to have made you like this with him already?_

Would it kill you to shut up for longer than 10 minutes?

_Touchy, touchy. Shutting up now._

The man is squinting at me.

"Dust in your eye?"

"Huh?"

I roll my eyes. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"You look familiar…"

Well, I _should_, it's only been a few months since you say me last. "Do I?"

"You been on Corellia recently?"

Oh, so you actually learned something from all those classes they made us take at the Academy. "Yes, as a matter of fact, I have." He'll figure it out any second now… three… two… one.

His eyes widen. "Kaie? Kaie Neria?"

"Have a Bliel," I say casually, sliding mine to him.

"I'm gonna need something stronger than a Bliel… is it really you?'

"Yup."

"I'm thinking a whiskey'll do me some good."

"I doubt it."

He shakes his head in wonder. "We thought you were dead, Kaie."

"Well, I'm not."

"This is too much."

"Aren't you glad you're sitting down?"

"Immensely. Where have you been?"

My mood turns somber immediately. "This is neither the place nor time to tell you that."

"Kaie-"

"No, Zeke. I'll tell you when I'm ready. In the meantime, you can tell me what you've been up to."

I've promised myself I'll stop running, but suddenly I'm not sure that's a promise I can keep.


	9. 9

**Chapter 9: Crazy**

I hate to admit it, but what Zeke's been up to lately is so absolutely BORING I can hardly stand it. Just sit and 'listen' and nod every now and again. "Yeah. Uh-huh. Sure."

"Hey, Kaie?"

"Yeah?"

"Am I boring you?"

"I'm about to fall asleep right here."

"Sorry." He does look kind of sheepish.

_Not to mention cute._

You stay out of this.

_Ma'am, yes ma'am. But you still think he's cute._

Handsome. Not cute. 'Cute' is a word you use to describe the guy you had a crush on when you were 12. Zeke is-

_A guy you had a crush on when you were twelve._

No! Syra had a crush on him, silly. Zeke is handsome.

"Kaie?"

I blink. "Huh?"

"You went somewhere else for a while?"

Kriff. "Did I?" Hey, all-knowing Voice in my head… what do I tell him about you?

_The truth._

You've gotta be kidding me.

_I kid you not._

But… you can't be serious!

_Dead serious._

Shoot.

_Well, it's better than 'kriff'. I'll take it._

"Kaie! You need to stop doing that. You're starting to scare me…"

I sigh. He looks at me like he knows something's up. "You have something to tell me?"

I nod. "Yeah. Not that you'll believe me. I'm arguing with myself about whether or not to come clean."

"I suggest you do."

"What'll you do to me if I don't?"

"Not much I _can_ do."

"You can do more than you realize."

"Care to fill me in?"

"You wish."

"You gonna tell me or not?"

"I don't know…"

"Please, Kaie?"

Force, why didn't he lose the puppy dog eyes with age!

"I really don't know…"

"Please?" Pout. That stupid pout. Grr.

"Promise you won't haul me off to some school for the mentally challenged?"

"Depends."

"Then you don't get to hear it."

"Alright, alright, I won't. Now tell all."

"I have a Voice in my head."

Dead silence.

One minute.

Two.

Three.

Three and a half.

Four.

"You're driving me crazy, Zeke. Have anything to say to this revelation?"

"Nope. I would've said it four minutes ago if I had."

"It doesn't bother you?"

"Maybe a little."

"D'you think I'm crazy?"

"Kaie, you were _always_ crazy."

"Point. I've got some other stuff to tell you, but you'll have to wait for it."

"Aww-"

"No. Wait."

"You're mean."

"I try."


	10. 10

**Chapter 10: Sleep**

The cantina's started to fill up, and the noise level has grown considerable since I cam in a few hours ago. Zeke and I have almost run out of things to talk about, but I think he's started to consider asking me about my disappearance again. He's on edge, unsure…

"Question: How many missions can a Jedi run over a 6 year period?"

"Answer: So many I've lost count."

I don't reply, just sit and listen to the chatter. It's soothing; it washes some of the memories I have of this place away for a while.

"Wil and Syra went looking for you six months after you were reported missing. Did they ever find you?"

I blink. Why does he have to bring _them_ up? I'm trying to forget them right now. Of course, he doesn't know that…

"They were so devastated when the news cam back. Syra cried for days, and the Masters were afraid of what Wil might've done if-"

"Stop." My voice is cold, without feeling. It masks the raging swirl of emotions inside of me: despair, sadness, anger. "I don't want to hear it."

Zeke looks surprised. "I've never heard you sound like that before… What happened to you, Kaie? What made you like this?"

I open my mouth to snap at him, but find my eyes starting to tear up and I'm unable to produce sound. I stand up abruptly and head for the door.

"Kaie!"

_Where are you going?_

I don't know.

_Do you care?_

No.

_You have to be going_ somewhere.

Do I? Do I really?

_You can't wander forever._

I roll my eyes. I can still hear Zeke behind me. How long is he going to follow me?

"Kaie!"

He sounds desperate. If he gives me some corny line about how he doesn't want to lose me again, I swear I'll hurt him. Or something.

I'm power walking now. I won't run. I won't.

"Kaie, watch out!"

I look up. My eyes widen. That speeder hadn't been there before. And why is it so clo- kriff kriff kriff! Pain rips through my body, and I'm falling. No, I've been run over. I can hear my friend calling for help. I want to tell him I'm alright, but I'm not. I can't feel my left leg, and my chest burns with every breath I take. At least I'm breathing at all.

_You shouldn't be conscious, Kaie. Go to sleep._

Why?

_Go to sleep. The pain will go away._

For a little while. I close my eyes and sleep.


	11. 11

**Chapter 11: Pain**

I try to open my eyes, but the light's too bright. I move my arm to turn the light down and cry out in pain.

"Where am I?" I ask the air.

_A medbay. You got pretty banged up, Kaie._

How bad is it?

_I don't think you want to know._

I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to know.

_A couple of broken ribs, your left ankle's sprained, and you broke your right arm._

Any internal damage?

_Probably. I'm not going to tell you that._

You wouldn't.

I sigh and force my eyes wide open. The walls are a dreary white color, and whoever painted them didn't do a very neat job. I find myself attached to innumerable wires and machines. How hard did that speeder hit me?

_Too hard. Zeke was worried sick about you._

Was?

_Is. He's the one who got you here._

Remind me to thank him later.

I eye the machines around me disdainfully.

_If not for him, you'd be dead._

I'd be better off dead.

_Jeren wouldn't agree with you._

Jeren was… odd.

_And a good master._

Yes. But he didn't- couldn't keep me from the Dark Side.

_Going to the Dark Side was a choice_ you _made, not one Jeren made for you._

He could've tried a little harder to stay alive.

_Maybe he thought he would be of better use to you dead._

How do you mean?

_Never mind, Kaie. You'll figure it out someday._


	12. 12

**Chapter 12: Why?**

I must've fallen asleep, because when I wake up, Zeke is just coming through the door.

"Hey." His voice is hoarse.

"Hi." Mine is too. At least I have a reason to sound thus. I _was_ hit by a speeder, after all.

"How are you feeling?"

I haul myself to a sitting position, biting back a scream of pain as I put too much pressure on my broken arm. "Never been better," I mutter through gritted teeth.

"Yeah, right."

"What're you doing here?"

Zeke pulls a chair up next to the bed and settles into it. "Making sure you're all right."

"I can take care of myself."

He looks at me with a raised eyebrow as he answers. "Awful good job you've done lately."

I roll my eyes. "Can I help getting hit by a hovercar?"

"You can look where you're going instead of walking right in front of one."

"I was distressed!"

"Why?"

I regard him coolly, trying to come up with a quick answer.

"Kaie?"

I shake my head. "I can't tell you that."

"Why not?"

I take a deep breath. "It's complicated."

"Most everything is nowadays."

I can't deal with this now, so I change the subject. "How long am I supposed to stay here?"

"Until you heal."

"Well, when will that be?" I ask impatiently.

Zeke sighs. "I don't know, Kaie. They might panic if you go into a healing trance, so it'll take a while."

"What am I supposed to do until they let me out?"

"Read, write, think. Why can't you figure this out on your own, Kaie? You were smarter than this."

"Was I?" I ask. "I can't remember."

"Something really bad must've happened to you to make you forget something like that."

The man never stops questioning until he gets what he wants. It's infuriating.

"I'm not going to tell you anything, Zeke. Stop asking me."

He nods. There's an uneasy silence for several minutes before he speaks again. "Kaie?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you know what happened to Wil and Syra and Jeren?"

I swallow the lump in my throat. How can I tell him without spilling everything? He's the only true friend I've had in six years, and I don't want to lose him so soon after finding him again. Sweet Force, I'm getting mushy.

"Yes," I whisper.

"Where are they?"

"They're with the Force, now. They are at peace."

Oh, I hope he doesn't cry. I won't be able to hold myself together if he cries.

"Thank you."

I look up sharply at him. "What for?"

"For telling me that much. I can tell it's hard for you."

All I can force from my throat is a small, "Oh."


	13. 13

**Chapter 13: Security**

"What's your name, girl?"

Kriff. I'm dreaming again. But, as usual, I can't wake myself up.

"Kaie Neria."

The Sith was tall, and dark. Dark hair, dark eyes, dark skin, dark aura.

"What do you know about the Sith?"

"The Sith are evil."

He chuckled. "Of course, a little Jedi brat like you would be taught that. We're not all bad, Miss Neria."

I glared at him and, for the first time in my life, managed to keep my mouth shut.

"You have quite the temper, don't you?"

"Maybe a little."

He smiled, and I suppressed a shiver. Something bad was going to happen, I just knew it.

Suddenly, I found myself in a different cell, and my master and the Sith stood before me. What was going on?

"What are you doing here?"

Jeren didn't reply.

The Sith scowled and raised his hands. I opened my mouth to scream as dark lightning poured into my master's chest. I found I couldn't make a sound. Jeren writhed in pain, but his mouth remained firmly shut.

This was going to prove too much for me, so I closed my eyes against the sight. When I opened them again, I was back in my own cell. The Sith was still there.

"What have you done with Master Rak?" I hissed at him.

"Tell me what you were doing here and you'll find out."

"No."

I didn't see the lightning arc towards me, but I felt it rip through my body.

I wake with a scream. I hurt so much, it's not wonder, but the pain isn't the only reason. Jeren. I saw Jeren again.

I lean back against my pillows and try to slow my breathing. These cursed nightmares aren't going to help me get better as fast as I'd like to, that's for sure.

Zeke tears into the room, a worried, frightened look on his face. "Kaie? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine. I just… had a nightmare."

He nods, and falls back into the chair by my bed.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm staying with you."

I feel a smile creep onto my face as he closes his eyes. No matter what I say, it's nice to know someone's looking out for me again.


	14. 14

**Chapter 14: After**

I've spent too much time sleeping lately, but getting hit by a hovercar can be _very_ emotionally draining.

When I wake up again, Zeke is still there, and still asleep. This must've been as hard for him as it's been for me. Maybe even harder.

_Where would you be without him?_

Probably lying dead in the middle of a road somewhere.

_That's not exactly what I meant…_

What _did_ you mean?

_I meant where would you be emotionally without him?_

He hasn't done anything to change my emotions…

_Oh, but he has. You would still be friendless, you would still consider yourself a Sith-_

I _am_ a Sith.

_No, Kaie. You were led to believe that you were a Sith, but I don't think you ever really were. You were angry at Jeren for leaving you, even though you knew it was something that couldn't be helped._

But I killed him and Wil and Syra.

_How?_

I think back to that day. To that battle I've tried so hard to forget. And I find I can't remember how. _Was_ it me? Or just my imagination.

_Yes, it was you._

You're back to confusing me again. I sigh.

_You thought you were fighting a hologram. You couldn't see the three real people behind the three that weren't really there. You didn't_ mean _to kill them, Kaie. It was simply the will of the Force._

I don't reply, leaning my head back on my pillow and closing my eyes.

"Talking to yourself again, Kaie?"

"How can you tell?"

"You get this look on your face. Gives it away."

"Ah."

"What did your Voice have to say this time?"

"Nothing of much importance." _Liar, liar, pants on fire._

I open my eyes again and stare at him long and hard.

"What?" Zeke shifts uneasily.

"I'm trying to decide whether or not I want to ask you something."

"Ask away."

Do I really want to know this? Really and truly want to know it? He's waiting… I might as well.

"What happened at the Academy after… after Jeren and I disappeared?"

"Oh." Probably the last question he expected me to ask. "Well, um… I left a few hours after you were reported missing to… to hunt you down, I guess. Maybe I just felt like I couldn't stand another minute at the Academy if I stayed. Everyone was talking about you, Kaie. Some, like Syra and Wil, refused to believe that you were dead, but most of the students were convinced you weren't just MIA. They wouldn't stop talking about it, and it was too much. So I left. Went to Corellia, went to Bespin, even went to Kessel, but I couldn't find you."

"And when you came back?"

"Wil and Syra were gone and no one could tell me where they'd gone to."

Inwardly, I cringe. It hurts, knowing how much pain I've caused this man. And after all that, running away from him on Corellia only a month ago, and then getting myself run over by a speeder…

"I'm sorry, Zeke."

He draws a deep, shuddering breath. "What's done is done. There's no use wishing we could change the past.


	15. 15

**Chapter 15: Out**

I'm still trying to absorb what Zeke's told me, and I'm not doing a very good job. The hospital walls, so bleak and white and somehow depressing, aren't helping. I need out. I need out _now_.

"Zeke?"

"Yes?"

"Get me out of this place."

He frowns at me. "Kaie, you-"

"I can't stand another minute in this bed. It's driving me crazy, and I don't see how they expect anyone to heal in a room like this."

I can just see the wheels turning underneath his skull.

"If you go into a healing trance once we're out…"

I nod eagerly. "I will, I promise."

He eyes me dubiously.

"Don't you trust me?"

"I'll be right back," he sighs as he pushes himself out of his seat.

_Poor man, having to take care of you._

At least he doesn't live in my head.

_That would interesting._

Shove it, buddy.

_Ma'am, yes ma'am!_

"Can you walk?" Zeke asks when he comes back into the room.

I roll my eyes. "I have a broken ankle and a couple of broken ribs. Do you _think_ I can walk, Zeke?"

"You're just determined to make this as difficult for me as you can, aren't you?" He's grinning. Why is he grinning?

"You don't seem to mind much."

"Oh, really?"

He's still grinning. "Yes, really."

"Would you care for a hoverchair, or shall I carry you?"

I blink. The man can't be serious. Either one of those options would hurt like crazy, but he doesn't have to ask me that question.

"I'll take a hoverchair, if you please."

"Stang."

I smile sweetly at my friend. "I'm sure you'll find other opportunities to attempt to 'carry me off', Zeke. You're smart like that."

He flashes me his best debonair smile.

Soon (though not soon enough), we're back at the spaceport where my ship is docked.

"You're sure you won't stay on Coruscant?" He's been bugging me about that for the past half hour.

"I'm sure. I need to get away from humanity for a while."

"But why?"

And, finally, I snap. The dam's just broke and everything comes rushing out. "I need to because all I've ever done for the galaxy is hurt it. I hurt everyone when I got captured, and when I was offered the chance to come back and didn't take it. I can tell you've been hurting lately. You're too easy to read. I didn't just hurt Wil and Syra, I _killed_ them. And, Jeren, too. They're all gone because of me. I even killed my own Sith master. I'm not who I used to be, Zeke." I don't stop to register the look on his face or the words he's attempting to form. I just push myself out of that hoverchair and limp my way up the ramp. Once it's shut, I go straight to the cockpit, take off, lay in my destination and jump to hyperspace. And then I go sit down on my bunk and sob.


	16. 16

**Chapter 16: Dream**

Curse these dreams and their reoccurrences. They won't even leave me alone when I'm trying to heal. I couldn't bear living this, _re_living it is no picnic.

This time I'm in a meadow in a place I've never physically been before. And standing before me are my opponents. But they aren't who they were before, when this had really happened. Before, they had been the enemy, and before, they had not spoken. This time, they were friends, and they were screaming to be heard, pleading with me not to do what I needed to do, what I _had_ done.

Wil's welcome face almost made me cry. It had been so long since I'd last seen him.

Syra's mouth was wide open and moving fast, ordering me to stand down and come home with them.

Jeren stood silently behind the two of them, but his piercing green eyes spoke louder than any words ever could. He had known what was happening, had known that it was inescapable. He was ready. He was willing to let the Force do its work.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, and struck them down, one by one.

"You aren't sorry, Kaie," that hated voice said from behind me. "You did what you had to do."

He was right, and I knew it. Surveying the bodies of my friends and master, I felt a rage boil up inside of me, a burning anger that I could do nothing to suppress. My hand tightened on the hilt of my lightsaber, and I turned to face the Sith. I would fight against him with everything I had, and I would win.

As I wake, I feel the lingering heat of anger slowly rolling away, leaving my mind unclouded, and my breathing heavy. I had done the right thing. In the end, I had done the right thing.

_The end had not yet come, Kaie. You are still fighting a battle._

Against what?

_Against yourself. Against everything the Sith ever said to you, against what he led you to believe. Against your grief._

But how can I fight those things?

_That's something you have to figure out for yourself._


	17. 17

**Chapter 17: Old Habits Die**

_Kaie?_

Yes?

_Do you realize what you're doing?_

Lying on my bunk talking to myself while trying to decide if I should attempt a healing trance again?

_If you could see me, I'd be rolling my eyes._

Was that a hint?

_No. You promised yourself you'd stop running._

Oh. That.

_You're running again, Kaie. You're running from Zeke, you're running from yourself, and you need to stop._

I've been running for nearly six years. It's something of a habit and old habits die hard.

_Maybe… but old habits die._

This is true…

_So you can make this one die._

Care to tell me how?

_You're asking me to be helpful._

I know that's hard for you-

_Impossible for me. Question: Why are you running from Zeke?_

I don't know.

_You have to have a reason._

Do I?

_Yup._

Well… I guess… I'm running because I don't want to have to face him about what I did.

_What makes you think he won't forgive you?_

How could he? They were his friends, and I killed them.

_You were his friend, and you're alive and well. You don't know what he's been through these past years. Maybe he's willing to let you explain what happened and-_

Whether he's willing or not, I need to go back to the Academy. If I happen to run into him on my way back to Coruscant, I'll explain then.

_I suppose that's the best I'm gonna get out of you._

Ya got that right.

_Your time will come._

I know.

I think I'm gonna try that healing trance one more time.


	18. 18

**Chapter 18: Wrong**

The blaring of an alarm pulls me out of my trance. We must be coming out of hyperspace. I jump up off of my bunk, hit my head on the ceiling and hiss in pain. My ankle and leg are fine now, but apparently, my ribs are still a bit bruised.

"Stupid hovercar," I mutter as I make my way to the cockpit. The ship drops out of hyperspace, and the jungle moon of Yavin IV looms before us.

_Are you sure you don't want to go back?_

I am beyond sure.

The landing isn't the best, but at least it gets me moonside with my ship intact.

_You shouldn't be running around in your condition, Kaie._

I have the Force. I can run around all I want in any condition.

_If you say so._

It feels a bit odd to be back here after so many years. I've missed this place… the huge trees, the rivers, the old Jedi Temple. There are still students here, and probably some masters, who would remember me if I showed up at the Academy. But I'm not here for a surprise visit.

I start out walking through the jungle, drinking in the sensation of the moon through the Force. It's so _alive_, so welcoming.

Soon, though, I'm running. I don't know where to, or what from, all I know is I'm _running_ and I love it. I haven't felt like this in ages.

_Kaie-_

Shh. Leave me alone just this once.

_Alright._

Eventually, I find my way back to my ship, and almost as soon as I fall on my bunk, I'm asleep.

"Kaie…" Why is he here? I thought I killed him. But there he is, the dark Sith, towering above me like he always has. "Kaie," he says again.

I glare up at him, biting my lip to keep from shouting at him.

"I was wrong, Kaie. I thought it was your destiny to become a Sith. But your attachment to your Jedi master and friends was too strong for even me to destroy. Do what you think is right."

I jolt out of my dream and stare at the ceiling, managing for once not to hit my head. Did that just happen?

_Yes, I believe it did._

Did he mean it?

_Do you think he would have said it if he didn't meant it? Even if he _is _dead._

Probably not. You sound fainter than usual.

_Maybe I am._


	19. 19

**Chapter 19: Forgiven**

_Someone's coming._

This warning from my Voice precedes a tapping on the hull of my ship. Trying not to wince, I push myself out of my seat and go outside.

"Kaie!"

Oh, no. Force, no. Will he never stop following me?!

I stare at Zeke for a moment before I make up my mind to talk to him. "How did you find me?"

"A lucky guess."

I sigh. "If you say so. I suppose it won't hurt anything if I invite you to come inside to discuss my parting speech." I might as well get it over with.

"Why not?"

Once we've settled into our seats in the cockpit, I jump headfirst into the conversation. "I'm guessing you want to know the details?"

Zeke shakes his head. "No. I think it's better if I don't know. But at least tell me this: why did you kill them?"

I stutter over my reply for a minute before the words finally come to me. "I didn't know it was them. The Sith told me they were holograms, and I guess they were, because they didn't look like Wil and Syra and Jeren. So I fought my battle and won. And when I discovered what I'd done, I turned on the Sith and killed him too."

He nods, and I open my mouth to continue, but he stops me. "So it wasn't you fault."

"If you think about it in a certain way it's not. But I don't see how anyone can forgive me, or how _I_ can forgive myself."

"I forgive you."

I glance up at him, at first surprised and then hopeful. "Really?"

Zeke smiles at me. "Really."


	20. 20

**Chapter 20: Acceptance**

Zeke manages to talk me into going back to the Academy to explain to them what happened to me and to see if they have any place at the Temple for a reformed Jedi.

_Well, Kaie. I guess you finally figured out what you had to do to stop running._

It looks like I did. Did I ever thank you for helping me out here?

_If you hadn't before, you have now._

Yup.

_Can I give you a bit of advice before you get to the Academy?_

Has anything I've ever said stopped you?

_No. Listen to Zeke, Kaie. He's a good guy, and he has your best interest at heart._

How do you know?

_That's for me to know._

You'll never stop trying to annoy me, will you?

_No. It looks like my work here is done. Good-bye, my apprentice._

I smile to myself. Jeren may be gone physically, but he's always with me.


End file.
